March 31, 2015

I Have Let Go

So here I go...I have been thinking about writing this blog for a long time but I just wasn't ready. After 2 and a half long years since my husband died, something in me shifted. I have started to laugh more, taste my food, drink less (coffee and wine), read again, work out, eat better and smile more. Why?

I finally let go. 

I looked at my two boys, Jack and Charlie, and thought "we have walked a long dark road together but I know we are going to be ok". We finally let go.

Anger, fear, guilt, terror, spite, despair, paranoia, times they had taken me over but I am done with them. I have let them go.

My deep sorrow, pain and heartache is quieter. It is still there but softer. Grief will live with us forever. It hits us and takes our breath away but we know how to work through it with the tools 2 years of grief counseling has given us. 

I've accepted the new me. I've accepted we are now 3 instead of 4. I've accepted the boys lives are taking a different path if Pat wouldn't have died. I have accepted we all are surviving the trauma of suicide and are taking it one day at a time. I have accepted we now live a strange life I never could have imagined unless you are in it. Strange but good again.

Time does heal. Cliche yes, but time has healed the boys and I. With help from our loving family, dear friends, grief counselors and acts of kindness from strangers, we are healing and so grateful.

We are o.k. We finally let go.

If you have just started down your journey as a suicide survivor, I want you to know you and your children will be o.k. again. I just wanted somebody who had lived it to tell me their kids were not just o.k., but amazing. Actually, my kids are amazing.  Jack and Charlie are kind, funny, beautiful old souls who every day amaze me with their courage and strength. Kids are tougher than we think. Be as honest and open with them. Talk to them about their grief even though it hurts like hell. Give them a voice - their voice as a suicide survivor.

I'm not an amazing writer. I can be crass and raw and use too much profanity. People have tagged me as a "straight talker" and "bitch" for years. It never really bothered me.  I stood and still do stand up for what is right and I believe in.  Maybe that straight talk saved me and gave me the strength to be honest, open, raw and real with my boys and myself. Honesty so many survivors of suicide struggle with because of the stigma attached to mental illness and suicide. We all choose our journey of grief, and I choose to be as open as I can be. It has been a process to get here but I'm talking about suicide. I'm talking about mental illness. I'm talking about grief counseling and school psychologists and crazy situations I have been in. It may not always be comfortable and safe. But I finally let go.

I'm not afraid of what people will think. All that matters is what my 2 boys think. They are amazing and support me writing this blog. No fear here. I give myself permission to live again. I hope this blog will help you live again too.