May 20, 2015

A Wedding Anniversary for One

A white dress, black tux, tulips, friends, family and love.

How many years would I be married now? I forget sometimes because this was the third wedding anniversary without him. Time is flying by yet stands still for me at times.

Our day.

May 11th.

My wedding anniversary.

A week after his birthday.

A day after Mother’s Day.

The hardest week now I face every year. So many emotions to deal with on my own. Maybe having these days so close together is a blessing as I can work through the week and be done with it. Work through with the pain and heartache of being reminded my partner and best friend is gone. 

I am 1 instead of 2 in marriage and parenting.

I am single now.

I am a single parent now.

This week reminds me of this and hurts me to my core.

But this year was different.

Different because the hurt was there but my thoughts were of hope.

Hope for my future. Hope of healing. Hope of peace.

I look back on how far I have come these past 3 years and quietly smile. Who was that girl 3 years ago? I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I know she is gone and somebody new is here. Somebody I like and I don't feel guilty about liking her...

Anniversary 1

I remember not knowing how I should act or be. Do I cry, toast him with champagne, scream and swear at him? The week leading up to the date was torture. I couldn’t face the day by myself but I also couldn’t be with people. Family and friends who had memories of our wedding day were suffering too. They didn’t know what to say to me...didn’t know if they should acknowledge it or not. We were all in an such an uncomfortable, painful place and didn’t know what to do.

Leave town…run. The pain is suffocating.

I flew away. My friend took me in.  He didn’t know what to do either so we quietly made it through. He remembered that cold day in May as well...toasting his two friends celebrating their love and new life together. A painful day for both of us.

I slept.

I slept through most of my first anniversary without him.

I hadn’t slept through the night since the day he died. Funny how I will forever remember the date of the first night I had slept in 9 months. 
A new anniversary for me.

I got through the day. So painful but I did.

I told myself then I would always do something for me on my anniversary.

Not for him. For me. Because I am still here. I am alive. I need to live. I want to live again.I felt dead inside.

Anniversary 2

My anniversary was Mother’s Day. The boys didn’t know. I did.

I smiled and took them to a Brewers game with my mom and dad. We laughed and cheered and had a beautiful day together.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I smiled.

Happy Anniversary to me. I silently cried inside.

Anniversary 3

2 best friends. A plane ticket. Sun. A bucket of beer. Memories shared. Laughter. Sleep. No tears. Finally a glass of champagne toasting him. Bittersweet memories.

I have found peace.

The heartache is still there but the day wasn’t so painful.

The days leading up to it were not so painful.

I am living. I have hope. I am okay today.

Time does heal if you let it.

Grief is messy. You can’t rush it. You can’t wish it away.

You have to accept it. Sit in it and learn how to live with it.

But you can find peace with it. Learn how to live again. You and I will get there. I believe it. So should you.

If this is your first anniversary on your own or your tenth, do what is right for you...
No judgement. 
No regrets. 
No guilt.

Celebrate the day. Quietly forget the day. Cry through the day. Sleep through the day.

Whatever you need, do it. But always remember to celebrate you.