August 11, 2015

Mom Please Don't Cry

First day of school.
Parent Teacher Conferences.
Band concerts.
Art shows.
Baseball, basketball and football games.
School Open Houses.
Awards banquets.
Talent shows.

Events with kids we did together and now I am on my own.
I don't cry through the events anymore, well some I do, but I try not to.
The first year I couldn't make it through one without falling apart.
Where is the exit?
Tissues in my hands ready to run.
Hold it together Sandra.
Say hello.
Cheer and clap.
Sob in my car.

Time has softened my heavy heart.
A teacher conference without tissue. 
Damn you are healing Sandra.
Cheers to you girl!

Charlie asks me not to cry before we go to these events.
He knows a song or a kind word from a teacher or coach will put me over the edge. 
"Please Mom don't cry".
"I promise Charlie I will try not to" I say with a smile.
I think he tells his friends "there she goes AGAIN!"

I don't tear up as much anymore from pain, grief and sorrow.
Instead I feel pure joy and love for my children.
The sadness is quiet and the pride lights me up.
Watching them perform and play. So proud am I. So happy they are smiling and feeling pure joy themselves. Teachers telling me how well they are doing in school. How kind they are to others.

I am amazed at their strength.
I am in awe of their grace.
I am so grateful I have them in my life.
Grateful we have each other.
Grateful they have each other.

Sometimes the emotions still come. I can't stop.
I breathe deeply, look up and try to keep the tears from running down my face.
My thoughts take over.
"You should be here for them."
"He should have you here cheering for him and telling him how proud you are of him."
"Is he feeling badly his dad is not here like the others kids dads that are here?"
"Jack and Charlie, you have no idea how proud I am of you and love you."

The water works start flowing...
It lasts for a short while and I let it come.
Get it out.
Who gives a shit who is watching.
The man next to me is uncomfortable.
The woman next to me smiles politely and looks away.
Black stripes of mascara on my face.
Snot on my sleeve.
Shoulders heaving.
The stranger behind me hands me a tissue.
Thank you for the tissue and kindness.
Clean yourself up girl.
You got through it.

I have learned not to be afraid of my emotions.
Don't be afraid of yours.
Breathe through them.
Sit with them.
Feel them.
Let it out.
Laugh and move on.
Do what you need to do.

Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or not feel.
They are your emotions, your memories, your moments.
Honor them.
I'm honoring mine.

My tears are tears of joy.
Celebrating Jack and Charlie.
Will they always come...probably.
Joyful...of course.

P.S. Sorry will have to deal with my roller coaster emotions forever.
I will always cry.
Love, Mom xo