December 22, 2015

Merry Fxxxxxx Christmas

I just got off the phone with my sister.
I have been so angry lately.
I was dropping F Bombs about Christmas.
She always listens.
Always says the right thing.
Never judges.
Never says it is going to be okay.
She just says "I'm not going to tell you I understand how you feel just know I am sorry".

I'm angry at Pat because Charlie has been crying lately at how much he misses him.

I'm angry that people pretend we are not still hurting and don't want to acknowledge that the holidays are stressful, lonely and sad for so many people. Cookies and carols can't always make people feel better.

I'm angry when I over hear women complaining about how tough it is that their husband is traveling and they have to do all of the holiday shopping, cooking and wrapping.

I'm angry that I am unable to find joy in the holiday I once loved so much.

I'm angry that I am too tired to cook so I'm getting take out a lot. I'm angry at the guy trying to hit on me at our favorite restaurant when I was picking up dinner. I'm angry he did not notice my body language that said "I am not here to flirt with you. I'm tired, my head is down on my phone for a reason and I'm getting pizza AGAIN".  "What does your husband do?" Really? That is the best line you got? Ready for the answer dumb ass. I hope you feel like the asshole you are for asking that question. I hope you will never use that line again on any woman. We are not all married. We can take care of ourselves financially. Should I continue?

I'm angry that I just don't care about buying gifts or sending our Christmas cards.

I'm angry at myself for being angry.

My sister said "it's okay that you are angry but the negative energy you are taking on from other people and situations is ruining your day and upsetting you and in turn going to take away any positive energy you and the boys need. You deserve to have a nice Christmas."

And then she said "and if you want to fucking punch someone in the throat who says something rude or stupid to you, then do it if it makes you feel better."

Merry fucking Christmas!

I laughed.
I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.
She is right.
I'm accepting that whatever I do for Christmas is okay. No expectations.
I'm allowed to be angry but I'm not letting it consume me.
I'm allowed to cry all I want and let it go.
I'm allowed to want to punch someone, but I won't.
I'm making the most out of our first Christmas on our own in Connecticut.
I'm not angry any more.
In fact I'm peaceful again.

I just put on my cheesy holiday necklace and I'm going to shop for the boys.
I might even hum a Christmas carol or two.

Thanks Lisa.
I love you.

P.S. Merry Christmas to all of you who read this blog and who who have graciously supported the boys and I with your thoughts, prayers and love. I hope your week is filled with simple moments, laughter and peace with those you love.