March 30, 2016

The Girl With the Hole in Her Heart


I cried all day today.

I woke up and I knew it was going to be one of those days.
They still come.
Not as frequent but they come.
I hate them.

I try to wish them away.
They just don't go away.

My heart hurts.
I can't stop it.
It just hurts.
Physical pain.
Heavy bricks laying on my chest.
My heart feels like it has torn into two.
I can't explain the pain.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I don't feel the physical pain.
My heart feels whole.
Broken but whole.

Other days it hurts so much I want to rip it out of my chest.
There is a gapping hole that needs to be filled.

You can fix this Sandra.
Fill it with work, exercise, a walk on the beach.
Stay away from the wine.
Something has to fill the hole.

I can't fill it today.

Tears pour out of me.

I beg for this pain to go away.
Please.
I hate this.
It HURTS.
I want the hole to go away.

It will go away.
I need to sit in it.
Feel it.
Cry.

Tomorrow it will feel better.
It always does.

I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm afraid.
I'm emotionally spent.
I'm stressed.
I'm on my own.

It piles up.
The pain.
The worry.
The lonely life I lead.

I realize this is when the pain comes.
This is when the hole is the biggest.

It doesn't matter who I am with.
It doesn't matter where I live.
I can be surrounded by people who love me.
I can be doing something I love.

My heart still hurts.
The pain still comes.

It came today.

It used to be daily.
Then weekly.
Now it shows up when my heart can't take anymore.

Let it go Sandra.

Goodbye my heart with the hole in it.
Goodbye pain.
Goodbye tears.

Until next time...


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4 comments:

Jo - Widow Strong said...

"My heart feels whole"

I'm at 2 years, 7 months and I can honestly say in that time I could never describe my heart as being whole. Maybe I'm close. Maybe it never will be completely whole again.

Beautiful poem - thank you!

Sandra said...

Jo,

Thank you for posting. I hope your heart feels whole again. I think we both know it is a "new" whole...
I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find peace every day.

-Sandra

Judith said...

It is nearly 10 months since I lost my soul mate after 40 years together. Today was not a good day, the physical pain and anxiety and tears overwhelm me I feel so lonely and desperate. I think I know your pain. I hope that I will be able to think about something different tomorrow. The weekends are so often the worst times.

Sandra said...

Judith,
You do feel my pain and I feel yours. Yes, the weekends are the worst aren't they? The pain, tears and anxiety all come heavy on quiet days. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. Your grief is like no others but know you will get through it. It will always be there but the agony you feel now will be less. I can promise you that. Take care of yourself today. Go for a walk. Reach out to a loved one. Do anything that makes you feel good if just for a moment.

Thinking of you and sending you strength.

Sandra