October 2, 2018

Let Him Fly



Traffic.
Rain.
LaGuardia Airport.
Gridlock.
Say no more.

Charlie and I pulled up to the curb.
The Skycap greeted us.
Boarding passes please.
Here’s twenty dollars, your boarding pass and my credit card.
Take it and run Charlie.
Forget the bags.
I’ve got them.
I’ll park the car.
You can make the flight.
Jack is waiting.
I’ll catch the next one if I don’t make it.
You will be okay.

He's flown by himself before. 
We know the drill.
Yes. Text me when you get thru security.
Yes. Text me when you board.
Yes. Text me when you land.
Grab the bags and text me when Jack arrives in the Uber.

You've got this Charlie.
Go and have fun with your brother.
You have missed him.
He has missed you.
I’ll see you both soon.
I love you.

The texts arrived.
A Snapchat appeared from the Uber.
Happy brothers.
Together again.

8 hours.
Sitting.
Waiting.
I missed my flight.
I should be in Milwaukee sitting on a smelly futon in a dorm room cheering on the Brewers with my two boys by my side.
Laughing with them.
Trying to keep up with their baseball talk.

Am I upset I am still here.
Not at all.
With a latte and chocolate donut in my hand I am smiling and my heart is full.
The boys are together again.
Jack left 5 weeks ago.
My son went to college.
1,000 miles away.

I am feeling proud because I know I did it.
I wasn’t always comfortable doing it.
Sometimes I was filled with fear and anxiety.
But I did it.
Over the past 6 years I have taught them how to be independent.

What if I die?
What if something happens to me?
These questions have haunted me at times.
Sometimes still keep me up at night.

The boys will be on their own.
The boys need to know things.
They are survivors.
But do they know how to survive and thrive on their own?

Life skills Sandra.
Teach them.
Show them.
Guide them.

Let them do things on their own even when it scares you. 
Show them how to take care of themselves.
Teach them how to set boundaries, with themselves and others.
Remind them everyday to be confident with their choices even when it isn’t always what others want them to do.
Mirror to them how to adjust quickly in tough situations and calmly roll with it.

Cheer them on when they succeed.
Help them get back up when they fail.
Honor their thoughts, feelings and opinions.
Listen. 
Really listen.

I would be a different parent if Pat hadn’t died.
I would have been more controlling.
More anxious about things that just don't matter.
More worried about not parenting like the pack.

I had no control over Pat dying.
I have learned my own life lesson from this.
The only thing I have control over is me.
My words.
My actions.
How I react to others.
How I honor and love myself.
How I honor and treat those I love.

Control.
It creates stress.
Anxiety.
Fear.
In them.
In me.

I had to let it go.
Let go of the control.
It would have eaten me alive.
The boys too.

Let them grow.
Let them learn.
Let them heal.
Let them fail.
Let them find success on their own.
Let them be who they want to be.
You do you boys.

It worked out.
For all of us.
Independence is confidence.
Independence is freedom.

When I let go your wings grew.
You've earned those wings.
Now go fly boys.


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1 comment:

Dan Thome said...

Amen sister. You are doing the right thing. Hugs from Appleton.